Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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