Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
