true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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