I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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