So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
