Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
