your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
