so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
