Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
