Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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