I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
