Everything about him screamed your future.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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