apparently the secret to your success is patron
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
