i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
did you just send me my own nude
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
