Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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