I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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