I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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