just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
