a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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