he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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