OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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