She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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