Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
