watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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