1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
