my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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