I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
