you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
