it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
