Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
