walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
