How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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