i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
