I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
