I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
