Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
