I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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