I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
