Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
