so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
