EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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