be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
two words: eviction party
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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