What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
