Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
