I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
