seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
