Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
