It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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