3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
