he looks like a really good dad on facebook
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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