the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Randomize
