Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
