Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize