so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You smell like stripper and shame
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
