my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
