Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
