im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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