i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize