Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
