I need to stop coming to work sober
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
