So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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