I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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