I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
